Repentance

So, I guess this is the experience that really made the creation of this blog a "no-brainer." So, as a senior in high school, I undergo my fair share of temptation. I won't divulge too many details, but I fall off the path every now and again. It was just recently that I received my acceptance to BYU-Idaho, and when I did, the feeling dawned on me that I was going to have to do a lot of changing before I was prepared to not only be in that kind of environment, but to thrive there. I realized that those little steps that led me off the path "every now and again" really add up, and I was much farther from the path than I ever intended to be. In the past, this has happened and I went into the repentance process in an almost mechanical sort of way. I would always think to myself, "I have to do this, so why wouldn't I?" Only through recent events was I able to more fully understand repentance, as well as the Atonement.

I believe that the feeling that I needed to change was the Spirit: a still small voice, although I may not have recognized it as such at the time. Of course, Heavenly Father had much greater intentions than I did. I was merely thinking that logically, going to BYU-I with some of the habits that I had formed would be foolish, and I would not be able to make friends. A couple days after I received my acceptance, I asked my dad if he would start reading the Book of Mormon with me. I have never actually read the book all the way through, and wanted my dad's help to get me going and to encourage me in my study of the scriptures. We were able to bond through that experience. As I did this, I was able to form better habits of reading the scriptures every day. Additionally, I tried my hardest to end bad habits. But even with the changes that I was attempting to make (and perhaps not trying my hardest, or lacking a desire to change), I found myself falling short, and lacking the inspiration that I had once known.

As I mentioned before, Heavenly Father definitely had greater plans for my change than I did- he knew the lasting spiritual effects that "changing" would provide for me. And I believe that He saw this long before I did. Last weekend, I had the privilege to hear from the prophets and apostles of the Lord in the semi-annual general conference. Up until this point, I had not been completely diligent in following the promptings of the Spirit. As I listened to the words of the apostles, I felt extremely inspired through all of the messages that I heard, but this particular message was one from Elder Holland: "I am not asking you to pretend to faith you do not have. I am asking you to be true to the faith you do have." This line hit me with a conviction I have never before experienced. A prophet of the Lord was asking me to be true to my faith. Not only that, he was helping me to understand that it was okay that I did not have a perfect knowledge of every aspect of the gospel. The Lord does not expect this from me. At that point, I realized exactly what I was missing. I had spent so much time in sin, that I had lost faith, my testimony had been damaged. It was foolish for me to think that I could just change cold turkey and expect to feel the same conviction for the Gospel that I have previously in my life, conviction that I had worked for. So, I decided to act on a faith that I do have, namely my faith in the Atonement. I will speak on this a little bit later.

I learned another important lesson in Sunday school today. Our teacher began to speak to us about learning and eventually the lesson led to a discussion on learning the Gospel. Our teacher shared steps to learn: promptings, ask, inspiration, and act. For me, the key component of the process was to act. Heavenly Father can only do so much because he has given us our agency. He has promised us that if we ask, we shall receive. Therefore, when when listen to the promptings of the Spirit, and take our thoughts and feelings to our Father in Heaven, we can receive inspiration. But until we act on that, it means nothing. I believe that a conversion to the gospel is by a mighty change of heart. We cannot rely fully on the Lord to give us that mighty change of heart. If you want to know if the Book of Mormon is true, read it. If you want to gain a testimony of the Gospel, live it. It is the action upon our promptings that will give us a mighty change of heart and convert us to Christ.

On a personal note, today has been a very emotional day. I was able to meet with my bishop and speak to him about some concerns that I had, and reach out to him for support. After a long day, I knelt down to say my nighttime prayers, and began to ask for forgiveness. I could not hold back the tears, and sobs threatened to break through my lips. I pleaded with Heavenly Father, and in that moment as tears were streaming down my face I remembered the words of the Savior to the adulterous woman: "Go, and sin no more." Never in my life have I felt more peace. My crying was immediately calmed and I felt the Spirit of the Lord there with me. I was astonished at His ability to forgive me so readily. Repentance is a wonderful and liberating thing, but even greater is He who forgives. I know that if we as children of God enter into the process of repentance with a desire and commitment to change, that we can be edified. I also know that on our path of change, it will not be easy. As I confided in a friend this past week, she reminded me that these last months of high school might be some of the hardest I have ever undergone. She reminded me that Satan was not going to hold back, that he would hit me as hard as he could. But, she also reminded me that there is a reason. Satan knows how much I can accomplish, he has heard my testimony, and in the words of my friend, "he is afraid of [me]." But, I don't need to be afraid, if I lean on the Lord.

Heavenly Father has made a promise that through our trials he will always be there for us to lean on, if we simply turn to Him. I have faith that as I continue on the path of righteousness, although it will be difficult, it will be possible, and most importantly, it will be worth it.

Thanks for reading!

~Caitlyn =)